You met your last boyfriend at Waffle House. You manscape with a hunting knife. You cheer for the NASCAR driver with the cutest jumpsuit. You wish the Indigo Girls would “shut up and sing.” You keep a colorful stash of Speedos in your bass boat. You go commando in your overalls. You always request “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” at the gay bars. You attend Gay Rodeo events to find a personal trainer. Your pickup truck horn plays “I Love the Nightlife.” You smoke Mistys because you like how the slim box fits into your Wranglers. You tailgate at Barbra Streisand concerts. Your mullet has frosted tips. You root for the hillbillies in Deliverance. You wish R.J. Reynolds would make Cosmo-flavored dip. The Gay River Expo disqualified you for using a trolling motor. You think Kid Rock is sexy. You’re saving up to buy a Pensacola timeshare. Your Pride float spends the rest of the year on cinder blocks in your front yard. You carry a camo-patterned man purse. You were once thrown out of a leather bar for violating the dress code. Your Miata has Truck Nutz. Your commitment ceremony was catered by KFC. Your personal scent is buck lure.
When I told my cousin Jackson that I was going to the gun show, he looked at me like I had lost my mind.“ Why?” he asked. “Well, you know, I’ve never been to one, and I think it would be interesting to write about the experience” I said. “You’ve never even been to a deer camp,” he countered. “I have, too,” I said. “Ewell took me to his uncle’s camp in the Delta once.” “Yeah, now I remember. He told me you spent the whole time bird-watching and going off about affiliated peckerwoods.” “That’s `pileated woodpeckers,’” I said. “They’re very uncommon, and I saw three of them in one day.” “He also said you almost got your ass shot off.” “I was trying to blend in and not scare the birds. They’re really shy.” “Speaking of blending in, what are you going to wear to the gun show?” “Slacks, sweater, shoes. Why?” Jackson rolled his eyes. “That’s it,” he said. “I’m going with you.” “I’ll be fine, Jack. It’s not like they’re going to string me up for wearing Hushpuppies.” “Look, do you want people to talk to you, or what?” “Sure I do,” I said. “That’s going to be the heart of the story. It’s a human interest piece.” “Then you don’t need to look like a roving reporter for Martha Stewart. Let me see what I’ve got.” One hour later, we were stepping out the door. I had on jeans, boots, a flannel shirt and his dad’s old flight jacket. Jack was Mossy Oak from head to toe. Just as he was about to close the door, Jack turned to me, wrinkled his nose and said, “What’s that smell?” “Gel,” I said. “Go wash it out. Thank God you need a haircut.”
Five dollars each gained us entry into the floor room, and despite Jackson’s careful preparations, within five minutes I had run afoul of a vendor.
All I did was ask for a catalogue from the proprietor, a black lady in a neon t-shirt that read “Real Hunters Shoot More Than Once.” She asked me, in a very strong voice, “What do you need a catalogue for? I’ve got all my stuff out right here. See where this green tablecloth is spread out? This is my stuff. You don’t need no catalogue.”
She had her hands on her hips and was looking at me like she was daring me to say something, so I just said, “Yes, ma’am,” and backed off, nodding and smiling. The folks at nearby booths glanced over to see what was going on. Paranoia seemed to be the neurosis de jour.
Jack came up from behind me where he had been checking out the VibraShine Vortex, a shell-polishing system that employed crushed corn cobs (“Organic. I grow `em myself.”), aluminum silicate (“Just like you find in toothpaste.”) and motor oil (“Keeps the dust down.”). “What did you say to her?” he hissed, grabbing my arm and nodding towards More Than Once. “I just asked for a catalogue,” I said. “She does not work for L.L. Bean,” he said. “I just thought she might have a price list or something,” I said. “Young man!” More Than Once was pointing at me, shouting from ten feet away. Heads turned. Jackson said, “Oh, shit. We are so busted.” “Young man!” she said again. “I do not have a catalogue, but I do have a card. Come here and get one,” she said. And she smiled. I went over and picked up the card and thanked her. By the time I got back to where Jackson was he had disappeared into a wilderness of denim, flannel and camouflage.
Jackson caught up with me about the time I found the camo women’s apparel. “Don’t touch that!” “I wasn’t going to touch it,” I said. “Yes, you were,” he said. “Oh, hell,” I said. “I couldn’t help it.” I couldn’t believe it was real. “Can you imagine there’s a hooker out there wearing this stuff who calls herself Bambi’?” “Would you please not talk so loud?” “Jackson, I happen to know that you have an intimate acquaintance with ladies’ apparel.” I picked an item off the rack and held it up for his inspection. “Just what is this?” “It’s a teddy,” he said, looking away. “It’s got white lace with a camouflage bra.” “So?” “There are drag queens in Oktibbeha County who would sell a family member into slavery for this stuff,” I said. About that time, a young lady came around the rack. She had what looked like an all-day sucker in her hand and was flipping through the clothing. Before Jackson could stop me, I said, “Excuse me.” “Yeah?” she said. “Would you wear this stuff?” I asked, holding up my prize. I heard Jack’s jaw hit the floor behind me. She looked at me for a second. Then she giggled. “No!” she said, “but Momma does.” “Just on special occasions, I bet,” I said with a wink. She giggled again. “Yeah, mostly during hunting season.” We giggled together for a little bit, then Jack started dragging me back to the main aisle.
I spent some time wandering around the Winchesters, Colts and Mausers until I came upon the Christmas ornaments. “These are so unique,” I said to the lady in charge. She was a little grandmotherly type in a maroon pants suit with a champagne bouffant. “Did you make them yourself?” “Yes,” she said. “But it was my husband Pete’s idea. I’ve always been artsy-craftsy, and had a glue gun and everything, but he was the one who thought of doing the lights like this. And I thought, well, if you’re going to do lights, why don’t we make a couple of little wreathes and maybe even a star for the tree and we just went from there.” “Are they safe?” I asked. “Oh, yes,” she said. “I used too big ‘a bulbs the first set, and they all just melted, didn’t set anything on fire, but these are a lot smaller. You should see them when the house lights are off. They just glow.”
I thanked her and wandered off down the aisle, wondering what the Prince of Peace would say about shotgun shell Christmas lights.